First published on Female Network, November 23, 2013. This assignment was a lot of fun to do.
The holidays are just around the corner, and it’s that magical time of the year where everyone gets together–and you know we mean every one. Family time does not always mean happy time, even on special occasions. Here are a few scenarios which may sound uncomfortably familiar, and a tip or two on how to survive them.
5. THE PRODIGAL SON
What Happens: After months to years of no contact after a nasty fight with the clan, the family black sheep has returned to make amends. No one is sure how he got the details and directions to the party, but he’s made it anyway. Watch out for flying plates, tears, bear hugs, and mixed greetings of, “You’re back! I hate you! You’re back! We love you!”–sometimes all in one breath.
How to Deal: Welcome him in, give him food and drink. Ask no questions. It’s the season to forgive.
4. THE OTHER MAN/WOMAN
What Happens: Spirits are high, drinks and food are flowing. Suddenly, a family member arrives with a surprise date. It shouldn’t be so bad if he or she wasn’t coming in from a warzone of a marriage that has yet to be officially called off. The kids are also there to meet “the other person” for the very first time. Awkward.
How to Deal: As tempting as it is, don’t make it an issue right then and there. If you’re not comfortable, focus on what you’re eating and choose to stay far away from them. If you’re brave enough to engage in conversation with the Other Man or Woman, keep it light and civil. If the family judges, remind them that talking with him about the weather doesn’t make you fast friends.
3. THE TALENT PORTION
What Happens: Sometime between gulping down the third helping of lechon and debating on whether or not to have dessert, the Magic Sing gets turned on. Or maybe a certain tita, who’s rekindled her dreams of being a ballroom dancer, will insist on giving a dance number. It has begun, as each family member volunteers another to sing, dance, or something. Welcome, your free food bears the cost of shame.
How to Deal: There’s no worming your way out of this one. A French exit will upset the family and you’ll never hear the end of it. The only to do is delay the agony with fake calls, or frequent bathroom or cigarette breaks. You can make it a little more bearable by picking a safe number to dance or sing to such as your dad’s favorite theme song, or the Macarena.
2. THE ONE WHO HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK
What Happens: “Would you like something stronger to drink?” The alcohol is being passed around, and your older relatives are starting to have a little too much fun. It may start with stories you really didn’t need to hear, then ends with cleaning up after or holding back family members who just can’t hold liquor like they used to.
How to Deal: Insist that they have a glass of water. Confiscate cellphones and other valuables that are in danger of their drunken behavior. And of course, hide the bottles. They’ve had enough. This may be a good time to leave before things get crazy.
1. THE CONFESSION
What Happens: A relative just has to get something off his chest. He raises his glass, “I would like to propose a toast! I love you all, and I have great news to share! I’m (fill in the blank)!” The bomb drops. The confession is life-changing. There may be joy, but there are also tears, maybe an angry expletive or two. One thing’s for sure: that relative will never be the same again.
How to Deal: Shocked? Breathe in, breathe out. Remind yourself not to do anything you might say or regret. If you can find it in you to congratulate him, do so. Return the toast. Cheers. He’s still family, no matter what he says, or what they say about it.